Sunday, May 27, 2007

It's Memorial Day Weekend

So it's Sunday of Memorial day weekend, and it's been a bit of time since I wrote here last. Things are going. I did make it to Onederland, and I finally found a new bathing suit at Kohls for a great deal. But I have been hovering at the same weight over the last few weeks since I kind-of stopped trying.

My business has gotten so busy that I barely have time to do laundry and make dinner, let alone get a work out in. And I've been eating like crap the last couple days and I need to get that in check. It just seems to take so much effort to eat healthy all the time, and if I don't plan ahead and work it all out ahead of time, I don't do as well. But the problem is that I don't have enough time. I feel like my business is running me, instead of me running my business. It is getting me down.

I remarked to Mr. H2O last week that I'm trying really hard to be happy, or that I have been unhappy. Part of it is liking where we live and being used to New Jersey. I like my house, the area is ok, but I guess I am just lonely here. I miss my family, and Jeff's family is great, but they can't sub in totally for my own family. And still don't any friends around here. It's really hard. Another part is the baby issue, which I will get into another time. And the largest reason right now is my business.

At this point my business is running me. I feel like I am drowning in work and I feel guilty when I decide to take an off day. This was not what I envisioned for my business or what I really wanted. And I'm not really sure that I want to grow my business beyond what it is now. It seems that hiring subcontractors and managing them would even be more work. Just getting systems in place to be organized are enough work. I know that Mr. H2O thinks I should grow and do this, and what he wants me to do. But I don't know if I want it. I don't think I ever meant for this to grow beyond my one-woman opperation. I want to have a family. I want to be a Mom. My business was a way to provide income for us by doing what I wanted. And eventually I would pull back when we started our family. I wanted to be a mom to my kids. I don't want to run a virtual staffing agency.

I wanted success for my business, but I never really saw where this could actually take me. Was I afraid of success?

Regardless of all this, I need help. This is where I am at, I have a sucessful business that I cannot give up on and I need to continue to work at it. And most of all, I need an assistant. If not one for my business, one to clean my house and cook meals. I'm tired of feeling like things are out of my control and I am dangerously close to burning out.

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