Saturday, July 19, 2008

I Don't Want Her To Go

I'm an emotional mess right now. Last week my mother informed me that they found that my 86 year old grandmother has cancer. At her age, mental state and physical state, there really isn't much they can do to treat the cancer without harming her further. So basically she's going to die soon.

She was in pain, they've started her on morphine, hospice is involved, and my mother says she may have 1 to 2 more months. This pretty much sucks.

I am beyond upset about it. Growing up, I was extremely close with her. She practically helped raise me and my siblings. She watched us quite often when my parents worked. In the summer, we spent nearly every day at her house in her pool. We were some of her only grandchildren that lived close to her (before we left CA when I was 11) so we all grew very close with her. When my grandfather died, I was so worried about her and didn't want her to be alone in the house, so I spent nearly every night I could at my grandma's, especially around that first Christmas he was gone.

So now I am leaving this week for an unexpected trip back to Portland. Right now she is still lucid, awake and happy, so my Mom advised that if I needed to see her, sooner rather than later would be good. So I'm going out to see, hug and kiss my grandma for what will probably be the very last time. What do you do and what do you say when you know it will be the last time ever that you will see someone? What do you do when you don't want them to go?

I feel like a little kid, asking why do people have to die? I don't want her to go. I wish she could live forever... or at least till 100. I knew that at one day it was going to happen and she was going to die. We're all gonna die someday. I know that. I just wish it wasn't going to be cancer for her. I wish it wasn't happening this soon.

I can stop being so sad about it.

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