I'm an emotional mess right now. Last week my mother informed me that they found that my 86 year old grandmother has cancer. At her age, mental state and physical state, there really isn't much they can do to treat the cancer without harming her further. So basically she's going to die soon.
She was in pain, they've started her on morphine, hospice is involved, and my mother says she may have 1 to 2 more months. This pretty much sucks.
I am beyond upset about it. Growing up, I was extremely close with her. She practically helped raise me and my siblings. She watched us quite often when my parents worked. In the summer, we spent nearly every day at her house in her pool. We were some of her only grandchildren that lived close to her (before we left CA when I was 11) so we all grew very close with her. When my grandfather died, I was so worried about her and didn't want her to be alone in the house, so I spent nearly every night I could at my grandma's, especially around that first Christmas he was gone.
So now I am leaving this week for an unexpected trip back to Portland. Right now she is still lucid, awake and happy, so my Mom advised that if I needed to see her, sooner rather than later would be good. So I'm going out to see, hug and kiss my grandma for what will probably be the very last time. What do you do and what do you say when you know it will be the last time ever that you will see someone? What do you do when you don't want them to go?
I feel like a little kid, asking why do people have to die? I don't want her to go. I wish she could live forever... or at least till 100. I knew that at one day it was going to happen and she was going to die. We're all gonna die someday. I know that. I just wish it wasn't going to be cancer for her. I wish it wasn't happening this soon.
I can stop being so sad about it.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Birthday Was Great
My birthday yesterday was a great day. I got to relax most of the day, then get a little dressed up to do by one of my favorite restaurant's. Here we are at Doc's after our yummy dinner.
Then we went off to the boardwalk for awhile to walk off dinner and spend a few minutes in the casino and promptly lost our money. It was fun.
Over dinner we kind of got into a philosophical discussion about how we are going to raise our children with faith, and what exactly we are going to teach them. See, Mr. H2O and I are kind of going through a "crisis of faith" so to speak. We like the morals and the teachings of religion that we have been taught through our life, but in our minds, organized religion is flawed because of the fact they are run and governed by humans (who are fundamentally flawed to begin with). Therefor that is one main reason (among others) that we do not practice a formal religion at this time (both of us were raised catholic). We believe in some sort of higher power and hope that there is something more after we are gone, but we just don't know.
Now this is all well and good to go about our spirituality in this fashion for ourselves. But now that we are going to bring children into this world, we are going to become responsible for their spiritual development. And so what do we teach them? what do we go with? Do we baptise our kid even if we don't necessarily believe? These are all the things that we are tossing around, and have come to some decisions that will work for us... though I'm sure there are family members that would give us grief.
I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Then we went off to the boardwalk for awhile to walk off dinner and spend a few minutes in the casino and promptly lost our money. It was fun.
Over dinner we kind of got into a philosophical discussion about how we are going to raise our children with faith, and what exactly we are going to teach them. See, Mr. H2O and I are kind of going through a "crisis of faith" so to speak. We like the morals and the teachings of religion that we have been taught through our life, but in our minds, organized religion is flawed because of the fact they are run and governed by humans (who are fundamentally flawed to begin with). Therefor that is one main reason (among others) that we do not practice a formal religion at this time (both of us were raised catholic). We believe in some sort of higher power and hope that there is something more after we are gone, but we just don't know.
Now this is all well and good to go about our spirituality in this fashion for ourselves. But now that we are going to bring children into this world, we are going to become responsible for their spiritual development. And so what do we teach them? what do we go with? Do we baptise our kid even if we don't necessarily believe? These are all the things that we are tossing around, and have come to some decisions that will work for us... though I'm sure there are family members that would give us grief.
I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Today's Birthday Horoscope
I'm a Cancer and I pretty much almost fit that profile to a tee. So here's my horoscope today. I think it's interesting, all good things.
Intensity characterizes many of your pursuits this year as you focus on what matters most to you and weed out frivolous endeavors. You are feeling light and free when it comes to expressing yourself this year--your personality is sparkling! Solid progress in mental pursuits can be made. More
And for kicks, here are some of my new mantras or afirmations I am utilizing...
All is well. I am safe.
The universe is conspiring in my favor.
I am healthy. I am strong. I am fertile.
From this experience, only good will come.
Intensity characterizes many of your pursuits this year as you focus on what matters most to you and weed out frivolous endeavors. You are feeling light and free when it comes to expressing yourself this year--your personality is sparkling! Solid progress in mental pursuits can be made. More
And for kicks, here are some of my new mantras or afirmations I am utilizing...
All is well. I am safe.
The universe is conspiring in my favor.
I am healthy. I am strong. I am fertile.
From this experience, only good will come.
Happy Birthday to Me!
Today I start the last year of my 20's. Hooray for me. I don't feel older, and it doesn't really bother me (as much as my siblings try and rub in the fact they think I'm "old). 29 is no big deal. And the fact that I'm almost 30 is no big deal either.
Tonight Mr. H2O and I are going to one of my favorite nice restaurants in Atlantic City for dinner, Doc's Oyster House. It's usually our anniversary spot, but since we didn't really do anything for our anniversary in May, I thought it would be nice a good idea to go there. It has a great "old fashioned" romantic ambiance, like a nice seafood/steakhouse straight out of the 30's or 40's. The food is fabulous too. The french fried shoestring beets are the best (the only beets that I will ever eat).
The "kid before I'm 30" deadline is closing in, but that's ok. I'm remaining positive that it will happen. It's cycle #6, CD 8, and I'm awaiting the O in hopefully the next week or so. It'll be fun. Let's give that bitch AF an knock out punch and get KTFU.
Tonight Mr. H2O and I are going to one of my favorite nice restaurants in Atlantic City for dinner, Doc's Oyster House. It's usually our anniversary spot, but since we didn't really do anything for our anniversary in May, I thought it would be nice a good idea to go there. It has a great "old fashioned" romantic ambiance, like a nice seafood/steakhouse straight out of the 30's or 40's. The food is fabulous too. The french fried shoestring beets are the best (the only beets that I will ever eat).
The "kid before I'm 30" deadline is closing in, but that's ok. I'm remaining positive that it will happen. It's cycle #6, CD 8, and I'm awaiting the O in hopefully the next week or so. It'll be fun. Let's give that bitch AF an knock out punch and get KTFU.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Lots on my mind: Law of Attraction
Ok, So I am new to practicing this law of attraction thing. Over the last few months, the subject keeps coming up in different business seminars I've attended, tv shows I watched, or random conversations. So something was telling me to check it out. And I did, and I have been cautiously studying it the last few months.
This whole, "thoughts are things", power of positive thinking, and vision board phenomena is interesting to me to say the least. I have seen and drawn parallels with my past that this sort of thing has been working through my life and I didn't even know it. And it has nothing to do with my belief or disbelieve in God or organized religion (a post for a different day). But maybe this law of attraction stuff is real and I have always known it, just in a different form.
It has occurred to me that I really "got it" when I was a young child and it has somehow permeated my adult life too, but not as obvious. When I was young, I was always known as the daydreamer, my head in the clouds. But that was the way I was. A Dreamer. I liked to makebelieve, I liked to make up visions of what I would be when I "grew up". There was no upheaval. Money was no object. I didn't have any worries. Anything bad that came up, I would just let it roll off my back.
It wasn't until I was much older, and when I was convinced to stop daydreaming and start listening to the "real world", that things like doubt and negativity really entered my mind. Even as an adult, though probably subconsciously, I still held on to those same childhood dreams of everything being just as I wanted, or always holding a positive attitude and letting things roll of my back like "duck feathers" (as some past coworkers had told me they secretly nicknamed me).
I've watched The Secret, I've seen the shows, I've read the essays, articles and sites from the major law of attraction "gurus". What I am doing is not relying on any one book, or one movie, or one guru, and I am piecing together ideals and practices that make sense to my life at it is now. I am going back to try and be that dreamer I was as a child. There really was nothing wrong with that.
So I am applying these new ways of thinking to my business and especially to my personal life. I am daydreaming and envisioning the dream for my business, and for my real life. And quite obviously, my dreams and vision involves babies and a happy family as well as a successful business (that'll run by itself). Here's to a clear vision an to hope for my dreams to come true.
This whole, "thoughts are things", power of positive thinking, and vision board phenomena is interesting to me to say the least. I have seen and drawn parallels with my past that this sort of thing has been working through my life and I didn't even know it. And it has nothing to do with my belief or disbelieve in God or organized religion (a post for a different day). But maybe this law of attraction stuff is real and I have always known it, just in a different form.
It has occurred to me that I really "got it" when I was a young child and it has somehow permeated my adult life too, but not as obvious. When I was young, I was always known as the daydreamer, my head in the clouds. But that was the way I was. A Dreamer. I liked to makebelieve, I liked to make up visions of what I would be when I "grew up". There was no upheaval. Money was no object. I didn't have any worries. Anything bad that came up, I would just let it roll off my back.
It wasn't until I was much older, and when I was convinced to stop daydreaming and start listening to the "real world", that things like doubt and negativity really entered my mind. Even as an adult, though probably subconsciously, I still held on to those same childhood dreams of everything being just as I wanted, or always holding a positive attitude and letting things roll of my back like "duck feathers" (as some past coworkers had told me they secretly nicknamed me).
I've watched The Secret, I've seen the shows, I've read the essays, articles and sites from the major law of attraction "gurus". What I am doing is not relying on any one book, or one movie, or one guru, and I am piecing together ideals and practices that make sense to my life at it is now. I am going back to try and be that dreamer I was as a child. There really was nothing wrong with that.
So I am applying these new ways of thinking to my business and especially to my personal life. I am daydreaming and envisioning the dream for my business, and for my real life. And quite obviously, my dreams and vision involves babies and a happy family as well as a successful business (that'll run by itself). Here's to a clear vision an to hope for my dreams to come true.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
My Other Hobby Feeding the Fever
I like being creative and making things with my hands. And I like beads and gemstones and over the years have been very into making beaded jewelry. It is my dream to someday have my current business running on autopilot, so I can embark on a my hobby of making jewelry and perhaps make another business selling my jewelry.
So I'm on this track on making making some "fertilty" braclets with stones or symbols that are cultural or historical aides or reminders of fertility.
Rose Quartz: In ancient times rose quartz had been a symbol of love and fertility and many cultures do belive so today. It is said to promote pregnancy and protection of the mother and unborn child. It is also an excellent stone to bring emotional peace, and ease tension.
Moonstone: This stone has long been associated with women's cycles and it said to promote emotional balance and intuition. In many cultures it is a symbol of fertility and eastern women sew it within their garments to improve fertility. It is also tied to boosting "female engergy" and soothes stress and anxiety.
Now this is not some voodoo or some kind of "magic" thing that anyone who wears it will bear a child. I'm making them because the above stones look very pretty. And they are more of a reminder or a remembrance and to promote fertility or infertility awareness. For right now, I'm making them not just for myself but for family or friends who want them. Eventually, if I do end up selling them, I will be donating some of the proceeds to charity like the March of Dimes.
So I'm on this track on making making some "fertilty" braclets with stones or symbols that are cultural or historical aides or reminders of fertility.
Rose Quartz: In ancient times rose quartz had been a symbol of love and fertility and many cultures do belive so today. It is said to promote pregnancy and protection of the mother and unborn child. It is also an excellent stone to bring emotional peace, and ease tension.
Moonstone: This stone has long been associated with women's cycles and it said to promote emotional balance and intuition. In many cultures it is a symbol of fertility and eastern women sew it within their garments to improve fertility. It is also tied to boosting "female engergy" and soothes stress and anxiety.
Now this is not some voodoo or some kind of "magic" thing that anyone who wears it will bear a child. I'm making them because the above stones look very pretty. And they are more of a reminder or a remembrance and to promote fertility or infertility awareness. For right now, I'm making them not just for myself but for family or friends who want them. Eventually, if I do end up selling them, I will be donating some of the proceeds to charity like the March of Dimes.
On to a New Cycle
Today is day 1 of cycle #6. Yeah me! Today I feel like celebrating with a bag of chocolate, a bottle of wine and a bottle of advil.
I had things all wrong with this last cycle, probably because of one missed day, and interruptions in life. It ended up being shorter than previous ones I've had. And I pretty much suck at timing it right... or at least the O time hasn't necessarily worked in our favor.
Last cycle, I happened to have my family visiting, and it looks like it was during my "fertile period". Of course that fertile period was a little earlier than expected. But also, I have thins thing about gettin' busy when I have family members visiting at the house... It's kind of less likely to happen. And my whole schedule was interrupted with less sleep and more alcohol drinking. But I thought I may have been in the clear and had some earlier "fluke" high temps then O'd after that. But since what I had of my LP was amounting to only 10 days (way too short for me), I knew I had to be wrong.
Nope. Looks like I was wrong. It looks like the day I "actually" O'ed was a day that I happened to not take my temp. A morning after I was up until 3:30 am at the band's show. Then I had a couple days of high temps that I thought were just due to my house being abnormally hot those mornings and lack of sleep. But now that AF arrived today, I don't think that was the case.
So we totally missed the O. No March baby. Time to try for an April one. I am vowing to try our hardest not to miss it this time. We will FLB for 2 weeks straight if we have to.
I had things all wrong with this last cycle, probably because of one missed day, and interruptions in life. It ended up being shorter than previous ones I've had. And I pretty much suck at timing it right... or at least the O time hasn't necessarily worked in our favor.
Last cycle, I happened to have my family visiting, and it looks like it was during my "fertile period". Of course that fertile period was a little earlier than expected. But also, I have thins thing about gettin' busy when I have family members visiting at the house... It's kind of less likely to happen. And my whole schedule was interrupted with less sleep and more alcohol drinking. But I thought I may have been in the clear and had some earlier "fluke" high temps then O'd after that. But since what I had of my LP was amounting to only 10 days (way too short for me), I knew I had to be wrong.
Nope. Looks like I was wrong. It looks like the day I "actually" O'ed was a day that I happened to not take my temp. A morning after I was up until 3:30 am at the band's show. Then I had a couple days of high temps that I thought were just due to my house being abnormally hot those mornings and lack of sleep. But now that AF arrived today, I don't think that was the case.
So we totally missed the O. No March baby. Time to try for an April one. I am vowing to try our hardest not to miss it this time. We will FLB for 2 weeks straight if we have to.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
My Love of the Day
Oh, Champion sports bras from Target, how much do I love thee? Pretty damn much. Those things are awesome.
With the lovely bb tenderness I've been feeling since the weekend, putting them on is like a piece of heaven. They are all I want to wear. Normal bras just don't cut it and hurt a little too much. These things are comfy as hell. I like them so much, I went to target and bought 2 more.
This much soreness doesn't happen that often with me, so maybe this is a good sign??? One can only hope. I'm 6dpo today, so I have roughly a week to see if we were sucessful or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Not to keep my mind of the 2ww some more.
With the lovely bb tenderness I've been feeling since the weekend, putting them on is like a piece of heaven. They are all I want to wear. Normal bras just don't cut it and hurt a little too much. These things are comfy as hell. I like them so much, I went to target and bought 2 more.
This much soreness doesn't happen that often with me, so maybe this is a good sign??? One can only hope. I'm 6dpo today, so I have roughly a week to see if we were sucessful or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Not to keep my mind of the 2ww some more.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
